The New Belle and Sebastian -- Do You Like It?

Dear Readers,

I recently noticed that air guitar champion Ochi Dainoji Yosuke has basically ripped off Jack Black's classic Barry character from High Fidelity. There is more than a striking resemblance to their attire and jovial demeanor. As evidence, I submit both the tiger shirt pictures and two videos of each person in action. Judge for yourselves and submit an opinion vote on the right hand side of the page. Results will be posted shortly.

-TRM

Ochi Dainoji Yosuke at the 2007 Air Guitar Championship


Jack Black as Barry -- On a Monday Morning!

Fantasy Football: O.J. vs. Jack the Ripper

Since O.J. Simpson has just added another felony arrest to his long resume of questionable activities, our Sports Department has decided that now's as good a time as any to file a report on the startling similarities between the Juice and Saucy Jack:

#1) O.J. won the Heisman trophy playing for a school known as USC; Jack the Ripper became notorious after a killing spree in the has-been colonial empire known as the U.K.
#2) Link Wray once wrote an instrumental song called "Jack the Ripper"; O.J. often appears in public wearing Ray-Ban sunglasses
#3) Many of the Ripper's killings took place in the area of London known as Whitechapel; one of the running backs who followed in Simpson's footsteps at "Tailback U" was named Charles White
#4) Orenthal James is sometimes called "the Juice" for his breakfast beverage initials of O.J.; it's well known that British people always like orange marmalade on their scones and crumpets when they break for high tea
#5) Jack the Ripper was notorious for killing prostitutes; many people thought that Kato Kaelin actually looked like a male prostitute
#6) In addition to his Hertz commercials, O.J. also appeared in such forgettable ventures as The Towering Inferno and Dragnet 1967; if the Lumiere brothers had invented film by that time, you would have found out that Jack probably couldn't act either
#7) After a jury let him off the hook for the alleged murder of his ex-wife, Simpson was quoted as saying that he would never rest until the "real" murderer was caught and punished; Jack the Ripper never turned himself in either, but he might have spent more time on the croquet course than the putting green for all we know at this point.

Nimrod's Son or Why the Pixies Reunion was Better than the one the Smashing Pumpkins are Embarking On

Dear Readers,

Today I'd like to discuss my overall dissatisfaction with the Smashing Pumpkins "reunion" and compare it with the way The Pixies handled it -- a band that did it right. Allow me to give you 10 reasons why.

1. The Pixies didn't release any new material to jam down our collective throats.
2. All members of the Pixies showed up -- even though they don't completely get along.
3. The Pixies have a ton of good songs that people know and quite a few lesser known gems in their catalog .
4. The Pixies setlists were varied from show to show. This is a real bonus for a fan going to multiple shows.
5. The Pixies sold professionally recorded copies of their concerts on CD for a reasonable price.
6. Ticket prices for The Pixies were also reasonable -- even if it was in an arena.
7. Austin City Limits showed them on PBS for free during their tour -- take that Australian Pink Floyd!
8. The Newport Folk Festival had the Pixies as headliners. The Pumpkins would never be welcome.
9. The Pixies released three concert DVDs and contributed to one documentary during their tour. All are high quality.
10. The Pixies weren't annoying.

If you think this sounds like Pumpkins heresy -- it is. I have been listening and watching Pumpkins shows since the reunion, and while the stuff is slightly interesting it is definitely lacking something special. Here's a few reasons why:

1. I recently read that the replacement band members kind of look like the original ones if you squint while watching them on stage. It actually works.
2. I'd think this was less of a business move if I hadn't read that Billy Corgan walked off stage when people would ask for old songs when he toured with his solo album.
3. The set lists are almost identical from show to show.
4. A lot of the new album sounds like repackaged stuff from Billy's solo album.
5. The old songs on the setlists are boring.

So, if you're planning on seeing a retro music group from the 90's -- you'll have to wait for The Pixies do it again, or track down one of their cheap concert DVDs. You won't be disappointed.

-TRM

Squeeze My Lemon, 'Til The Juice Runs Down My Leg

It's been a long time since they rocked and rolled. And for one night, perhaps more, they'll be back. Well, three of them.

Robert, Jimmy, and John Paul will be playing in the evening in London in a tribute concert to Ahmet Ertegun, the founder of Atlantic Records, who was played by Curtis "Booger" Armstrong in the movie, "Ray." London is a long way from Kashmir. Jason Bonham will be on drums in place of his dad John who died 27 years ago when he choked on his own vomit. Rumor has it his last meal was at Legal Seafood, but that has never been confirmed.

So, many fans are thinking that this whole lotta love fest could lead to a tour. Considering the three guys haven't played together in 19 years (last time was at Live-Aid), you have to wonder, do they need the money? And would Robert and Jimmy tour with John Paul after dissing him all of these years?

If they do, expect to see Zeppelin rising at a venue near you.

Let's just hope they've dropped the 80's hairstyles.

Opera Oasis Lost

Luciano Pavarotti, the "King of the High C's," died three days ago at the age of 71. This is a sad event, and the loss of probably the most important figure in the opera rock movement since Freddie Mercury. I mean to write a fitting post to celebrate this great figure once I polish off another bowl of my beloved spaghetti alla carbonara. So get off my freakin' back!

Respectfully submitted,
Z's ammiratore

P.S. Don't a piss-a me off!!

The El Duce-Cobain Connection

Paul David Hewson. Dave Matthews. Gordon Sumner. Is it any wonder that the youth of today are subjected to such bland music when even the musicians themselves have such vanilla names? Not convinced yet, elitist fraternity scumbag I-Pod shuffler? Well, how about these handles from the days when the music mattered?

#10) Jane Drano (pre-mersh Go-Gos)
#9) Richard Hell (Voidoids)
#8) Sue Catwoman (fan)
#7) John Doe (X)
#6) Hellin Killer (fan)
#5) Tomata du Plenty (Screamers)
#4) Poly Styrene (X-Ray Spex)
#3) Kid Congo Powers (Cramps, Gun Club)
#2) Lorna Doom (Germs)
#1) Glen Matlock (pre-Sid Vicious Sex Pistols)

Sorry, but D.J. Bonebrake (X) and Feargal Sharkey (Undertones) had to be left off the list for legal reasons (i.e. those are real names).

What In The Name Of Robin Masters Is Going On?

This just in from the Entertainment Bureau of this blog...there will be a "Magnum P.I." movie to be released in 2009. It's official, Hollywood has no creativity.

How can you possibly replicate this ensemble cast of characters? This is not going to go over well with those who grew up on 80's television, especially when you find out who is going to play the role that made Tom Selleck what he is, a Hollywood icon and role model. Prepare to be totally ashamed.

Oy vey. Are you kidding? My goodness. I took the liberty of taking Selleck's '80's porno mustache and put in on Nicolas Cage just to get a feel for what it will look like in the forthcoming movie posters. Not impressed. He looks like he went down on a turd and came back up with it.

So I thought about who would fill the other roles in the movie. Who would play TC? Who would play Higgins? And who could possibly fill Larry Manetti's shoes? I got some ideas.

I think Bernie Mac could play "T.C.," Magnum's buddy who flies the helicoptor.

Michael Imperioli from "The Sopranos" could take the Larry Manetti role of Orville "Rick" Wright, Magnum's pal who owns a club. Yes, his real name on the show was Orville. I know this move would make the Red Man lose it, since he's a charter member of the Imperioli fan club. Red Man loves to wax poetic about Imperioli's writing skills from 'Sopranos,' so if he contributes anything to the writing of this film, expect Mr. and Mrs. Red Man to be the first in line to see this abomination.

And finally, playing the role of Higgins to what will be critical acclaim...

well that would have to be none other than Mr. Bean, Rowan Atkinson.
Who else could play the smug Higgins with such flair? This role could have been filled by Ted Knight, but he's dead.

No word yet on who will play the roles of Zeus and Apollo, Higgins' dogs that roamed the estate.

A Ferrari has also not been cast yet.

This movie with this cast, could top $25 at the box office.

Loser Research Foundation

Dear Readers,

Just a quick one today. It has come to my attention that Roy Shildt (AKA Mr. Awesome) of King of Kong fame is in fact on You Tube. Check this video out for a laugh.

Your friend in Missle Command,

-TRM

Elitist Fraternity Scumbag

Dear Readers,

I've been meaning to write something about today's topic for many years, and finally decided to post this idea today. In the world of bad/classic 80's films, many people think of these typical John Hughes films -- The Breakfast Club (yawn), Sixteen Candles (or what I'm willing to watch for some serious date payback), (the highly overrated) Ferris Bueller, and Pretty In Pink (or what I'm not willing to watch for any payback -- Fuck Duckie). Said simply, these films suck. They all espouse some cheap philosophical chicanery that only gullible teenagers could find enlightenment in. Oh, if only we could all pretend to be Abe Froman the sausage king of Chicago for a day (I'm looking at you Broderick!), right?

Well, I have an alternative list of bad/classic 80's films that I would like to talk about today. Personally, I have to laugh every time I see or think of these four films, and not for obvious reasons. The films are Back to School, The Karate Kid, Just One of the Guys, and European Vacation. Welcome to Zabka-Fest '07!



Each of these movies has William "Billy" Zabka as the bad guy -- you know, the blond haired dude with the attitude who was always the school bully. Everyone knows who he was in the Karate Kid -- Johnny, the guy who causes all the trouble for Daniel. However, I always felt his best performance was when he played Chas Osborne in Back to School. It is easily the most annoying character ever created! Some people commonly think he was also in Better Off Dead, but that was a different actor playing the part of Roy Stalin. Zabka would have pulled this part off perfectly as well, but alas he did not co-star in this masterpiece.

Amazingly, someone has put together a video montage of Zabka's 80's exploits on YouTube, but unfortunately it is missing all the great dialog because it is overdubbed with this awful song written about the Karate Kid. Oddly enough, Zabka actually wrote and directed the video of the same song, and cast himself in it as a Raising Arizona knockoff. It is kind of nice to know the dude has a sense of humor -- I guess it sucks being typecast. In the video he even gets run over by the real Ralph Macchio. As a side note, he actually co-wrote a short film that was nominated for an Oscar in 2003.

By the way, the best lines ever uttered in Back to School are actually listed in the memorable quotes section of the Internet Movie Database, and I wanted to include it here.

Chas: [limping off the diving board ] I have got a really bad cramp. I've been having really bad cramps all week.
Jason Melon: It's probably menstrual.
Chas: Screw you, Melon!

I'm serious. This is really funny. So when you're looking for real enlightenment, just throw in Rodney and Back to School, and I guarantee you'll laugh every time Chas gets pissed off. They should make that into a drinking game!

-TRM

"Little Dieter Needs to Fly"

Directed by Werner Herzog
USA, 1997

I love almost all the Herzog films I've seen so far, but I decided to skip the recent Rescue Dawn after finding out it was only a remake of one of the filmmaker's earlier docs. While I'm still not really interested in seeing Hollywood actors "interpret" this story, I gotta say that Little Dieter Needs to Fly--the director's original take on the material--makes me wonder whether I made the right choice. Excellent 75-minute jobber (part of the ace 2004 Werner Herzog Collection on Anchor Bay Entertainment) follows subject/protagonist Dieter Dengler to hell and back from a WWII childhood spent being bombed by allied warplanes, on to a postwar Germany where the poor were reduced to eating boiled wallpaper for the nutrients in the paste, over to the U.S. for a teenage relocation and eventual citizenship--and almost immediately into POW status after being shot down over Laos for his new country in 1966. While no Woody Harrelson-lookalikes get eaten onscreen by bears here, the riveting true story of Dengler's incredible jungle escape, miraculous avoidance of an early death at every turn, and subsequent lust for life (above all, for the freedom of flying) is yet more proof that Herzog is the man when it comes to making an oddly affecting documentary. Yeah.