I'm happy to report that Rudy has been sent back to political retirement. This fear mongering, no plan, makes a living off the dead, crypt keeper has officially been thwarted in the polls, and will no longer be making a run for the White House. So rejoice in the fact that Hannity and Limbaugh will only have Mitt Romney to rely on for a week before McCain gets the nomination. Congratulations Florida, you haven't made up for 2000, but you're starting to make some sense.
Coming out of the gates as an early contender for quote of the year is the Spaceman Bill Lee. Easily one of the best interviews in the history of professional sports, this former Red Sox and Expos legend responds to a question about him running for President with Hillary as his running mate.
"No, if I get shot in the back, we'll be responsible for another bush in the Whitehouse."
Here is the transcript of Vol. 8 of Bush State of the Union:
"Bend over and smile. See you in the funny papers."
Can't say we weren't warned though. The Stiff Little Fingers just sounded angry about "the troubles" at the time, but they proved to be quite prophetic.
Greatest band out of Ireland ever. That's right U2 cocksuckers. Of course, even Thin Lizzy could kick your asses.
Respectfully submitted, Z
PS - I will now sell 5 copies of the 3 EP's by the Beta Band.
Dear Intravenus de Milo: Live from the Enormodome bloggers, assorted hangers-on, and fans who "expect a certain style" out of the oft-edited Z:
In reviewing last week's post-pillow fight postings, I noticed that there was a constant presence humbly hovering over almost all of your blogs like white on rice. What, you ask, could possibly unite the eloquence of a Martin Luther King, the storytelling joie de vivre of a Stephen Tobolowsky, and even the undeniable fondness for crackers without cheese of a man of leisure like Dr. Demented? The answer, I think, is obvious: Dolemite, motherfucker!
No need to thank me,
R-Lo
P.S. In the postage stamp-sized photo above, Clinton Portis is wearing a "Vote for Santana" t-shirt with pride. I think you all could learn a lesson or two from this true gridiron giant.
Dolemite Trailer from 1975
Clinton Portis = the Red Man, I mean, "Dolemite Jenkins"
In the spirit of the Hawaiian Elvis, Mini Kiss, and the guy who impersonates Cher, I present to all the way from the Ukraine, via Brooklyn, the greatest Frank Zappa tribute band ever.
May your fans rejoice, for your name is Gogol Bordello!!
A quick review of an interesting documentary that I watched a few nights ago. Back in 2004 Stephen Tobolowsky, a Hollywood character actor, had a film made of him telling various stories to guests during his birthday party. The concept seems very simple, but is highly entertaining and contains a lot of interesting observations. For those of you who really like films that are a little unconventional, I absolutely recommend this because of its technique and that it is not a rant on the industry despite Tobolowsky being credited in about 150 movies. The good news is that Tobolowsky is a tremendous storyteller, and he is quite different from the characters he plays in film. I was quite surprised by this-- shows you what I know. The film is called Stephen Tobolowsky's Birthday Party.
Today we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday (actually January 15th.) Tomorrow we get back to having fun here in our little corner of the blogosphere. But since The Red Man binds us by no rules, I write to you today with stone sober seriousness.
As a man who does not believe in hero worship, Martin Luther King, Jr. is my hero. How is that? You may ask. A Polish Catholic from Cheektowaga? White guilt? No, I don't go around singing negro spirituals in an attempt to empathize with my black brothers while telling everyone that Wily Mo Pena couldn't make it in Boston because he's black. The fact is, I don't know the first damn thing about what it's like to black in this country, and Wily Mo can't hit a curveball.
You see, Dr. King's words transcend the Civil Rights movement from which they were born. He righteously fought for equality for black people, but sent a message far greater. While pointing out the hypocrisies, and the cowardice of the segregationists, he asked us to ponder a simple question. If our similarities outweigh our differences, why do we divide ourselves? Why do we let hatred fester?
Although many of his supporters urged him to lead a violent revolution, he resisted. By treating his white oppressors with respect and dignity while they refused to act in kind, he taught us that we have evolved past the need for violence and war, and in fact, when such a course is taken, there are no real winners. He said, "When one man suffers directly, all men suffer indirectly."
I do love the irony that Ronald Regan, who quite staunchly opposed a Martin Luther King holiday was forced to sign it into law in 1983 by a veto proof majority in the then Democratic congress, despite protests by the likes of Jesse Helms who stood on the Senate floor and questioned if Dr. King deserved such an honor.
Really, if not Dr. King, then who?
MLK's speech in 1963 at the March on Washington, is in my mind the greatest speech ever given. I don't remember the first time I ever heard it, and I can't even remember the first time I understood it's magnitude. But, I can tell you this. I have heard that speech hundreds of times, and I still cry. I don't believe in any sacred text. But that speech is the closest thing to evidence of God on this Earth that I have ever seen.
When George Bush says, "They hate us for our freedom." I don't know what he is talking about. I ask Mr. Bush before he goes throwing around the word freedom like some American battle cry, that he listen to this speech, and reflect not on the hatred others have for our freedom, but on our own self loathing. Then decide what course of action will best serve us citizens.
I had originally intended to inject this post with quotes from the "I Have a Dream" speech, but I thought I would let you hear from Dr. King himself.
While pondering the inconsequential ramblings of R-Lo who continually amazes few by talking about things that nobody cares (borrowed from Aerosmith...ever heard of them?), I stumbled across a TV show from our youth that is much more relevant than the "Tao of Steve," or anything else Red Man thinks is important (other than Orny Adams and Eddie Van Halen obviously, who are forever relevant).
It's tough for me to put into words the greatness that was "It's Your Move" back in 1984, when only "Miami Vice" was a more superior TV show (can't wait for that blog, can you? Yeah, it's coming soon). Since I can't do it justice, let me rip off someone else's words from the Internet Movie Database about this show, and especially its star, Jason "The Master" Bateman.
"Bateman owned this show. He was not only the eye, but the whole hurricane. He may remind people of a teen version of Hawkeye from M*A*S*H. His feathers never ruffled despite the problems he got into. The puns and one-liners were non-stop as well. Made every episode full of those groaning laughs. I can't figure why it didn't succeed. But I'm glad Jason did."
Enough said? Not really...a few more points can be made here before the hundreds that visit this blog daily can weigh in.
Notice David Garrison in that picture...this show launched him into our living rooms, paving the way for his groundbreaking role as Steve Rhoades in "Married With Children." Where would Garrison be without "It's Your Move?" He would probably be irrelevant, thus making him a perfect subject for an R-Lo blog.
Obviously Bateman was the star, and this show coupled with his appearances on "Silver Spoons" (as Derek Taylor, Ricky's buddy) propelled him to super-stardom so that he could take over the world in "Arrested Development" (where he carried David Cross' no-talent ass).
And finally, although he was only in seven episodes, you can't forget Ernie Sabella in this show.
If you don't know who Ernie Sabella is, well then you have simply not spent enough time in front of the TV. A veteran actor, Sabella has seen and done it all, making himself to be one of the more valuable character actors of his generation. The episodes he was in definitely fall under the "truly special" category.
Sabella easily has the market cornered on the, "I know that guy...he was in..." references.
And as a special gift to all of you, some vintage video of one of the world's best bands.
Closer to home, even some of Dr. Demented's favorite "soft rock" heroes have also featured in some famous squabbles of their own. Yes, I'm talking about none other than Hall and Oates and Loggins and Messina, whose "don't lose the smooth" songwriting tussles were legendary back when Malibu, Marina Del Rey, and Pacific Palisades were the epicenters of this type of proto-Van Halen schmaltz. For more on this story and some much needed perspective on our own Z vs. Ornery scrum, I offer our readers "Yacht Rock" #2, mercifully presented in the shorter of its two known internet versions, below.
With the upcoming Oscars, and Grammys, there will be the inevitable memorial list for the celebrities who passed on in 2007. As pictures and videos pass across the screen, we have those 3 inevitable reactions. 1) Wow, I didn't know he/she died. 2) Oh shit, I forgot he/she died. and 3) Who the fuck was that?
I just want to give a quick shout out list to some of the one's I'll miss.
Max Roach, to call him the greatest drummer ever is to sell him short.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr., a good writer and a great thinker, with a fucking hilarious cameo in Back to School
Hilly Kristal, all fans of punk rock and independent music owe this man a debt of gratitude.
And finally Mr. Butch. The Mayor of Kenmore Sq, and the King of Allston.
Given the level of buffoontard related postings lately, I have decided to write a short piece on why this over sized version of a prank call matters. So get your hand out of your pants and listen up! While there are no rules in this Fight Club, I'd like to suggest a few posting tips.
First of all, there are a lot of shitty movies out there that need serious making fun of. Particularly the ones that gross a lot of money and star Nicholas Cage. I mean, who really likes this guy? Can't he and Travolta actually fight to the death in real life? We were so close with Face Off, and yet they continue to make films.
Secondly, while it may seem like a good idea, posting things about Carrot Top will never be funny even when a picture of him on the Marion Jones/Joe Piscopo steroid diet accompanies it. In fact, it is a great American tragedy that he continues to sell shows out with his ripped off Gallagher premise.
Third, there are some things that never get tired. They are: Lebowski references, Greg and Warren, American Movie, The King of Kong, and the Tao of Steve. There are more that I can think of, but these particularly are dear to my heart.
Fourth, all comments are welcome and will be posted provided they're worth reading. So readers please take some shots! For god's sake we have a guy that writes about Van Halen.
Fifth and final, in these dark political times we need more social commentary. Props to Z for jamming the Kucinich hypocrisy down our collective throats. Bring on the UFOs!
To quote an email that wasn't intended for me, "Yeah, that Z seems like a buffoontard-- just wants to hate because he thinks it's cool...Oa"
What the fuck? Is this guy's high school still on Winter break? I'm assuming that his Ricki Lake lexicon is implying that he believes that I hate him?
Hate him? I've never even heard of him! Let's take a pole. Who has?
No, what Oa has taken for "cool hatred", was merely frustration with my fellow contributors for what, at the time, I thought was a waste of blog space.
I don't hate Oa. Although I suspect that the truth may be much more damaging to him. The truth is, I don't care. To make a Godfather analogy, to me, he is like the whore Tommy Hagen had whacked to prove a point to the Nevada Senator. I quote, "Nobody that will be missed."
I do apologize for one thing though. I thought conversation about Oa was a waste of blog space. But I gotta tell ya. I was wrong. Never have more people laughed at this guy. He really is funny.
It's hard to fathom the insane heights that Dr. Demented's blog has reached now that it has been graced by the presence of the legendary Orny Adams. To have him write a cogent comment on it and get what the urban youth call a "shout out" on his blog is truly amazing. Orny I live in Los Angeles, and expect some free tickets and a meet and greet for me and the wife sometime in the near future for one your stellar live acts. Come on pal, show me some love! Needless to say the Dr.'s ego has swollen to massive proportions, knowing he is completely responsible for the popularity of the Intravenus de Milo blog. Red Man, a thank you is in order for me I believe. In case you need more evidence of why Orny is great, here are some more reasons why Orny is who he is...friggin' funny.
"Orny’s comedy style is unique, yet universally appealing. Orny is quick on his feet to deliver a clever, sophisticated, and fast paced routine that attacks topics from an angle that many people have never considered. “I question everything. That’s the root of my comedy… and I try to come up with some solutions, but there seem to be more questions than answers.” One minute he’s goofy, the next minute he’s intelligent, and you never completely know when he’s being serious."
As we continue to discuss other relevant comics of the 21st century, I feel compelled to write about another man who is wildly popular but probably isn't appreciated as much as he should be by my fellow bloggers and readers here (just like Orny).
Props to the rarely-inspiring R-Lo for giving the Doctor an idea for this new missive. It was a comment that he posted on what is now the world-renown "Why Orny Adams Matters Part 1" blog that has spawned this current entry. Fellow bloggers and readers...it's time to salute the unofficial "Red King of Comedy."
I'm talking about THIS guy! Yeah, we're talking about the real Carrot Top, world-class comic and showman extraodinaire! His real name is Scott Thompson, but let's stick with the nickname because it is more interesting and relevant to our discussion.
The 'Top' is the main attraction at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas where he makes millions laugh on a yearly basis. But it's his humble attitude that truly sets him apart.
"Younger in life I was always kind of quiet and shy and I think I kind of grew into myself as I got older, I became more of a class clown as I got to junior high. My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh. I wasn't the jock (I know, it's hard to tell) or the good-lookin' stud. I was just a very skinny red-headed freckled guy. My way of making people like me was to make 'em laugh."
And make them laugh he does. Check out this hilarious clip! You want a definition for fucking hilarious? That is it readers, that is fuckin' it. You want poignant social commentary? You want prop comedy? You gotta go right to the Top my friends, right to the damn top.
Now that I've made my point about the 'Top,' it's time to make one final comedic comparison here for all readers to ponder and weigh in on..including Orny.
Is David Cross the white man's version of Margaret Cho?
Seriously, Red Man, why are you even pretending to be nice to this nobodynik? Big deal, he was in a movie? So what? As far as I can tell, he's another anonymous nobody who has a story about how his mother wanted him to be a doctor.
You know what? We have a blog that nobody reads either. He's sucking up to us for the exposure, leave it at that.
It's not like it's that hard to get into a movie either. Remember when I played one of the Baseball Furies in The Warriors ?
I was a little bit thinner then, but you can see that my Nike's match my face paint.
Top 5 celebrities that I would rather suck up to, eventhough no one cares about them:
5) Anton Newcombe 4) Chest Rockwell 3) Byron Allen 2) The guy who played Chewbacca 1) Tiffany-Amber Theissen, (Hubba Hubba)
Today is easily the best day our blog has ever seen! Serious props to you for catching us all off guard, and providing a good laugh. I think it is safe to say I was not expecting to hear from the man himself when I posted those off-the-cuff remarks. I always thought that the notion of semi-anonymous posting was mostly a figment, and you just proved it. So, from now on my future writing will consist of how much I love puppies, what makes cookies so controversial, and why someone should write a self help book based on the sport of ping-pong (proposed title: Paddle Up: How to Backspin Your Way into Sobriety in 11 Points). Lesson learned.
One question...did you ever consider going the Whoopi Goldberg route and changing your name for even greater affect? I'm thinking Osama Bin Laughter would be a terrific gimmick and is very timely. You're welcome to give it a try if you want, and I'm not a striking writer so this is truly by the books and completely gratis.
Feel free to drop us a line again in the future. We'll certainly welcome a post that blasts any of our musical, political, or movie tastes...trust me, we can take it. Seriously, my buddy R-Lo is just asking for it, and my taste in music has some suspect qualities.
Plus that dunk that beat the Human Highlight Reel in the 1986 NBA slam dunk championship proves that my boy Kucinich has a long history of having "game" on the grandest stage of all. I rest my case, damn it!
...or this guy either. Kucinich may not be for everybody, but even with that vegetarianism thing his resume speaks for itself far more impressively than either that of the comedic equivalent of a fluffer or the theme park metal guitar wankery of Bertinelli boy at right (nice overalls, clown).
In the grand tradition of observation and consternation (as we here at the Enormodome are fond of living by) I am personally willing to entertain the satirical notion that Adam Ornstein (AKA Orny Adams) actually serves a purpose in our daily blogging. He is a reminder that innocent bystanders sometimes get hit by documentaries, and become horrible Jeopardy-like trivia answers --
Trebek: Unfunny comedian in the movie Comedian? Contestant: Who is Adams. Trebek: Yes. Contestant: I'll take "That's Not Funny" for $400. Trebek: Best known for his Tourette's-like routine. Contestant: Who is Clay. Trebek: No, I'm sorry the answer is Goldthwait.
For Adams, being placed in the same film as Seinfeld (notably our previous winner of Worst Standup Comic poll) is just an unfortunate turn of events for someone who probably thought the exposure would help his career. In this case, Ornstein failed to become an indie hero such as Mike Schank, "Mr. Awesome" Roy Schildt, or Sir Warren DeMontague, and instead is comparable to the likes of GM's Roger Smith (Roger and Me), Ronald McDonald (Super Size Me), and the camp in Jesus Camp.
So, the next time someone tells you they're making a documentary, and you think it might make you famous-- think Borat and all will be answered.
We're talking about stand-up comic and co-star of the wildly successful documentary "Comedian," Orny Adams!
We all witnessed Orny stealing the spotlight from that overrated hack, Jerry Seinfeld in this movie, released in 2002. We watched Orny's rise to fame in the documentary, making it big with his appearance on David Letterman's show. If it weren't for the lousy bits about Jerry's insecurities about performing live, this flick would have been much more enjoyable.
Here's a hilarious Orny riff to prove my point that he's truly a comedic genius, courtesy of his website:
"We're all still freaked out about terrorism-- me included! The last time I traveled, a guy on the plane two rows over was knitting. I went up to the flight attendant and said, “There’s a guy over there knitting.” And she said, “Why are you telling me this?” And I said, “Because we are supposed to report anything suspicious.. and a guy knitting is suspicious."
How the fuck does one not find that damn hilarious? Probably the Red Man, but that's simply because he's an Orny hater. And that's all about jealousy.
Check out this truth about Orny's appearance in "Comedian."
When producers of the film “Comedian” approached Orny about being in the film, he assumed it would be for a scene, maybe two.
“Comedian” catapulted Orny into the public spotlight, something he was ill prepared for.
Orny and Jerry Seinfeld have remained friends and mutually respectful of each other’s work. Jerry is one of Orny’s biggest champions.
Do I have to spell it out? Jerry is afraid of Orny and doesn't want Orny's success to eclipse his own. That alone should validate Orny as one of the finer comics around.
Here are some other Orny facts that make him out to be what he is: a regular guy's comic.
He has never dated anybody famous.
He is neither short nor tall. He is just right. He is an endomorph.
He does not have a favorite color. Orny does not like to discriminate.
Orny is a pacifist.
Orny will often pull out a pen and paper from his back right pocket and write down some note. He will do this in the middle of conversations, middle of streets, even the middle of his act.
His contract for personal appearances is not very demanding. Orny likes to have water, some chocolate, and he requests that there be a dictionary in the greenroom.
I'm a little behind the times on the subject of defunct Canadian trash rockers these days, but this Y2K clip of "Everybody Sexareeno!" by LES SEXAREENOS is more or less vintage timelessness anyway. If you've been enjoying the recent posts focusing on wigs, garage rock, shit coming out of people's stomachs, etc., please note that there's now a 2:02 soundtrack dedicated to all of the above...below. Take it away, Maestro!
Even fellow Cleveland oddball Ghoulardi was embraced by the citizens of "the Mistake on the Lake"--proving that it's never too late for anyone to transform oneself from a cult hero into a YouTube superstar! All I can say to the candidate is, "You go, girl!"
Hard to imagine, but the creator of illustrious films like Basic Instinct, Total Recall, Starship Troopers, Robocop, and Showgirls thought he had to go Spielberg at some point and schlockily make a film about other people's pain. I'm not saying the previous films were great cinema -- Basic Instinct was detective porn, Showgirls was just badly orchestrated porn, Total Recall had the Cabbage Patch fetus Kuato, Robocop was inspired by Clockwork Orange's Ludovico technique, and Starship Troopers was the video game Centipede set to that fucking Blur woo-hoo song -- however, they didn't come as near to offending the senses as setting Anne Frank to a cheesy story about how she slept her way into the gestapo only to find out that everyone she trusted sold her out for money. Now, I have to be honest, I didn't find this film nearly as offensive as everyone's favorite Holocaust darling Schindler's List, but it has it's own downright low moments -- like having the lead character get dumped on literally when a large vat of excrement is intentionally poured over her head. I guess Paul Verhoeven wanted to show how "shitty" things were being occupied by Germany. Overall, the film is watchable because the plot moves at hypersonic action movie speed, which is unique for the pain and suffering genre. What actually saves this film from an extremely negative review here is that the story is obviously fiction and not history "rewritten for the screen" with an extra helping of bullshit climaxes (I'm looking at you, the asshole that had a montage tour of killing guided by a little girl in a red dress). I'm just left wondering why newspapers like the Boston Globe gave this film three and half stars.
Alright, I fully admit it, I didn't get my Christmas cards out again this year. But hey, it's hard getting stuff done when your a drunk. Seriously, the damn holiday snuck up on me like slow moving Zombie in a "___ of the Dead" movie. You know it's coming, you can see it, you can get out of its way with no more then a casual mosey, but yet, somehow, it still feasts on your brains before the cigar burn flashes by.
One moment I'm handing out Halloween treats to a particularly sexy nurse who's three year old, dressed like Scooby Doo had a penchant for pixie sticks, and then Zoinx! I'm singing Silent Night with the rest of the "good" Catholics at Midnight Mass. Seriously, I had no chance.
Anyway, here is a late but appropriate Christmas card for my fellow contributors.
One thing this early Primary season has made crystal clear to me, is that we truly are a nation of bigots. You may think this is ironic, this being posted on a blog whose main contributors are a redheaded Jew, a snoring Pollock, a Mexican from East LA (or at least the same state)who can't even speak Spanish, and whatever that Demented guy is, but it is true. We are as a nation, bigots. You may say that the early Democratic Primaries are evidence that we are growing past our bigotry and are willing to elect a black dude, or even more shocking, a lesbian! (Common' we all know the Clinton's is a marriage of convenience. Bill's exploits are legendary, Hillary is always visiting "close friends", and Chelsea doesn't look like either of them) We have even in the past elected a cripple (4 times), a Catholic, and a fag. (Buchanan wasn't hiding anything.)
But I propose to you that it IS this very Primary season that has brought to the forefront a prejudice that may be more deeply ingrained then the rest of them. A prejudice suffered by citizens who no one, to this point, has had the melons to stand up and defend. It is a prejudice that knows no race, no religion, no gender. Face it America, we oppress short guys.
Now I don't even have a horse in this race. I'm 6'4" tall with a size 13 shoe (ladies...). But I really can't come up with any other reason why Dennis Kucinich is barely a blip in the polls. He has been right on everything. He voted against the Patriot Act and the War. He introduced the article to congress calling for the impeachment of Dick Cheney. His health care plan is first copied and then compromised by all other Democratic candidates. He has consistently fought for the working man, and the rights of women. He actually is everything the Democrats say they want. What is their big problem, for fuck's sake? He just ain't that tall, right? What else could it be?
For this reason, I say Fuck the Democrats. At least the Republicans don't pretend to hide their bigotry. Well, OK, they do try to hide it, but they just ain't any good at it. We know what we are getting with them. Call a spade a spade...in the parlance of our times.
I support my little brother DK. I agree with his entire platform. I find it refreshing that he writes his own speeches. I am impressed that he started on his high school basketball team (at 4'9") and I do love his taste in women. Have you seen his wife Elizabeth? Tall, redheaded and gorgeous. She's like a real Jessica Rabbit. I'm guessin' however that she is with DK for a little something more than "he makes her laugh". You know that guy is swinging a Louisville Slugger. And steroid free, I'm bettin'.
Dems, if you want my respect, or more importantly, my vote, you better start getting in the booth, and poppin' that Kucinich chad. He's the only choice, you freakin' nimrods. The rest are "posers" (to quote the Red Man.)
As evidence that the short guy can succeed, I give you the following list.
1) Rudy 2) Spud Webb 3) Mini Kiss 4) Napoleon 5) Robby Benson as Henry Steele in the 1978 classic sports gem, "One on One".
...about David Cross for fuck's sake. Everyone knows Cross wouldn't have accomplished squat without Bob Odenkirk.
Today is January 8th, and that means it's Elvis' birthday! And so the obvious debate is, if Elvis were alive today, would he be dead? Would he even want to be alive?
This date brings to mind one of the great comedies of the 20th century, "DC Cab" which starred Mr. T and a not-nearly-as-famous-then-as-he-is-now actor, Gary "Hang Time" Busey. Busey did this role before he cracked open his skull on a curb, and his character uttered one of the most infamous lines in comedic history (not spoken by Cross).
