German Expressionism Collection #2

The Hands of Orlac (2008 DVD)
Directed by Robert Wiene
Austria, 1924

Until recently unknown to all but hep People's Enlightenment and Propaganda minister Doktor Demented and the other Access Hollywood enthusiasts in his immediate family, The Hands of Orlac was actually the prototype for the psycho-sexual subgenre in which an acclaimed concert pianist loses both hands in a horrific accident, gets new mitts transplanted from a recently-executed murderer's corpse, and then suffers bad thoughts and spectral visitations galore when he realizes that he can't mack on his special lady friend with non-criminal paws anymore. If not quite as "writhing with sexual innuendo and Freudian imagery" as the good folks at Kino promise, der DVD is still an eminently watchable genre film with a couple of cool characters (incl. one walking around with a visible guillotine wound across his throat!) and a spectacular night-time train wreck scene seemingly shot by torchlight (take that, modern special effects whizzes!). As an added bonus, Herr Conrad Veidt's unfortunately-coiffed, reptilian Orlac never once mentions either Orny Adams or David Cross despite line after line of sexually-ambiguous "dialogue." (http://www.kino.com/)

The trailer for 1935's Orlac-inspired Mad Love.

This Dude Is Nails When It Comes To Money

I recall several years ago when I worked at Fox Sports when a former New York Met legend was on Jim Rome's TV show. Unlike most sports celebrities who walked in and out of the building, this guy had no entourage and when he stood outside of the building waiting for his limo to pick him up, nobody was standing with him. Armed with a pen and paper and a desire to get his autograph for The Red Man, I strolled outside and approached this man, who was crouching down out of the wind, lighting a cigarette.

"Hey Nails! How about an autograph? "

This World Series champion looked up at me, blew out some smoke and said, "Sure."

That was my only experience interacting with Leonard Kyle Dykstra, known as "Lenny" to many. But for those who know him, calling him by his nicknames of "Nails" or "The Dude" is acceptable. Check out his baseball stats here to refresh your memory of his late 80's, early 90's, steroid-enhanced numbers. As you can see, Lenny loved to chew, in fact, Pittsburgh Pirates center-fielder Andy Van Slyke often called the outfield a "toxic waste dump" when he played against Dykstra's teams.

But this blog isn't about his numbers, but more about his fighting attitude. It seems that when Lenny hung up his cleats in 1998 his investment adviser didn't do right by him, and so Nails lost a ton of dough in the stock market. And that's where this story gets interesting.

Lenny rebuilt his fortune by purchasing car washes and is now an astute investor in the stock market. You seek advice? Find it here on this website where you can ask him a question. I just sent him one about whether it's a good idea to invest in China.

Today, Dykstra is a columnist for TheStreet.com, manages his own stock portfolio, and serves as president of several of his privately held companies, including car washes; a partnership with Castrol in "Team Dykstra" Quick Lube Centers; a real estate development company; and a new venture to develop several "I Sold It on eBay" stores throughout Southern California. Dykstra has helped bring to the forefront an investment strategy called "Deep in the Money Calls". He has also appeared on Fox News Channel's "The Cost of Freedom" business show. And he is publishing a financial magazine to help ballplayers invest their money better.

But this pales in comparison with his interview on HBO's "Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel." The idea that Dykstra is so wealthy, and can clean up to look somewhat business-like in a suit is contrasted with his grungy look he had as a player, and his liberal use of foul language. You can take the man out of the locker room, but you can't take the locker room out of the man.

German Expressionism Collection #1

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (2008 DVD)

Directed by Robert Wiene

Germany, 1919

Although I hate to interrupt our other bloggers' continuous celebration of bald comedians and hirsute Big Lebowski lookalikes, I wanted to send out a telepathic high five to anyone and everyone at Kino International for the great German Expressionism Collection four-DVD box set they just put out this month. To be honest, I've only really watched The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari so far; however, finally getting to see this silent film masterpiece Saturday after years of avoiding it for no good reason would've been worth the $59.99 price of admission all by its lonesome.

I'm not going to bother reviewing the film in depth because you can find plenty of that shite elsewhere, Jack. As many of you already know, it's a frame story about a string of killings that involves a traveling village fair, a crazed Freud-like doctor, his henchman/sleepwalking patient Cesare, and various other characters seemingly straight out of the loony bin. The anti-authoritarian action unfolds in a relatively brief and delirious 75 minutes, and I'll bet top dollar that you'll feel that you got your money's worth from both the acting (exaggerated for effect, natch) and the script (handsomely translated into a simple English that even people who date roller derby girls should be able to follow).

While silent film hottie Lil Dagover is absolutely luscious jackson in the role of the somnambulist bait, the true beauty in the film is the set itself. I don't know how much Hermann Warm, Walter Reimann, and Walter Röhrig were paid for their art direction or how much Willie Hameister earned for his cinematography, but they were all clearly tremendously underpaid. Wiene's ghostly world of odd geometric shapes, angular architecture, and beautiful shadows is truly dreamlike, and I don't mean that dimestore surrealism of modern directors who lamely try and inject "mood" into their films by putting sub-new wave crap like Oingo Boingo on their sorry-ass soundtracks. In other words, fuck Danny Elfman and the horse he rode in on and long live The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari!

( http://www.kino.com/ )

Why Garry Shandling Matters Or How To Honor Jew Comics

It's nice to see The Red Man do something with himself that didn't involve Stacy Valentine, and old sock, and a tub of Vaseline. Good going buddy! Next time you take a few weeks off from blogging, be sure you do a better job of honoring Jewish comics than throwing in two sentences about a guy who has a book that sits on your shelf, and then throw in a shitty YouTube clip. Now let's do this up right!

Jewish comic Garry Shandling is a ground-breaker, first as a writer, then as a stand-up comic, a host, and then creator of two hilarious shows. He's kind of like a Jewish Gallagher in a sense that he too helped make the cable company Showtime worth buying in the 80's.

Before Jerry Seinfeld and Orny Adams took Jewish comedy into the stratosphere, the groundwork was laid out by Shandling. He wrote an episode of "Sanford and Son" proving that he could "keep it real" with the homies and brothers who watched that wretched show. In other words, Shandling's brand of hilarity transcended color lines and religious backgrounds.

Shandling ofted filled in on "The Tonight Show" with Johnny Carson until that shegetz Jay Leno elbowed him out and eventually took over the show for good in 1992. Being the good mensch that he is, Shandling didn't get angry but simply took his comedic genius to Showtime with "It's Garry Shandling's Show" (which co-starred the underrated Michael Tucci from the famous Tucci acting family) and then he took it to Fox which aired a watered-down, cleaner version of the show. But it proved Shandling's appeal had worldwide potential.

Next stop was HBO and "The Larry Sanders Show." Garry knew a thing or two about hosting his own talk show and so it was a foregone conclusion that this would be a hit, and therefore would make it worth buying HBO. He has been nominated for several Emmys and has won his share of the coveted award as well.

Garry has accomplished all of these things, and has sported the "Jew Fro" about as well as anyone possibly could.

And so we tip our yarmulke to you, Garry Shandling, as we say mazel tov to your success and a hearty thanks for all of the laughs.

The Name Says It All

Dear R-Lo,

Are you really surprised that In the Valley of Ellah was a so-so film? The director's name says it all: Paul HAGGIS -- a Scottish dish with variable recipes, most of which have in common the following ingredients: sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally boiled in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours.

Oddly enough, that still doesn't properly explain that shit film Crash, but it does clarify the casting of Sandra Bullock.

-TRM

Shark Sandwich or Why Google Matters Part I

Dear Readers,

What the fuck is going on around here? It is hard to imagine, but looks to be an absolute fact that comics and their management companies have a lot of time on their hands. For those of you unaware of what I'm talking about, the blessed Doctor received yet another seemingly real response to a posting -- this time from the original Gallagher's promotion crew. So I have to ask -- is there some Google search engine that allows comedic hacks to search for anything new about themselves online? The odds must be pretty long for both Gallagher and Orny Adams to find The Doctor's IVDM half-assed kneepad-Lewinsky-suckfest pulled straight from Wikipedia within 24 hours of posting (I shit you not), but here we are in this Freakonomics twilight zone I call "the now". I guess this means Michael Richards' people are just about finished reading the hate blogs, and are ready to pitch some new ideas to the Transylvania 6500 star (hopefully with filming locations in Watts, Compton, D.C., and Harlem -- call it the 2008 Apology Tour).

So, to properly combat The Doctor's satire taken for honesty, I'd like to mention an actual comedic genius that I would like to thank right here. Marc Maron is easily one of the best comics out there today. I recently purchased his two albums off of ITunes, and found them to be really funny. His book Jerusalem Syndrome is also a great read, and was given to me as a gift a few years ago. It still sits in my bookshelf today. So Marc, if you or your agent is reading this -- thanks for the great work. I've even posted a solid YouTube clip for those of you who have never seen his act.

Sincerely,

-TRM

Chipmunk Punked

Dear Readers,

The doctor did, in fact, unveil the dark secret that David Cross was indeed a cast member of the critically annihilated Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. I have known about this for some time, and was actually hoping Cross was using the proceeds to put out a great stand-up album. I'm still hanging in there, but admit this is a serious blow to my standing in the taste department. So Mr. Cross, I'm begging you not to become a guilty pleasure as I have been looking down on so many people for not getting Mr. Show.

In his defense, Cross is not the first person to get hoodwinked by the Chipmunk brand.

-TRM

Track Listing

1. "Call Me" (D. Harry/G. Moroder) – 3:11
2. "Refugee" (T. Petty/M. Campbell) – 3:07
3. "Frustrated" (D. Fieger/B. Averre) – 2:54
4. "You May Be Right" (W. M. Joel) – 4:03
5. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" (F. Mercury) – 2:47
6. "My Sharona" (D. Fieger/B. Averre) – 4:03
7. "How Do I Make You...?" (B. Steinberg) – 2:23
8. "Good Girls Don't" (D. Fieger) – 3:13
9. "Let's Go" (R. Ocasek) – 3:35

Obviously You Are Not A Golfer

Julian Schnabel on his way to meet Walter and Donnie at Lebowski Fest '08. All arrangements were booked on his Ralph's card.

Imitation is The Sincerest Form of Flattery

This blog entry can only be written by me, your humble correspondent Dr. Demented. It's a sad tale about a man just trying to earn an honest living in this country, only to be imitated by a hack who tried desperately to steal fame and fortune from our hero.

This blog couldn't be written by The Red Man because our hero's brand of comedy is too proletariat for TRM's bourgeois taste in humor. This blog couldn't have been written by Z because it's just not up his alley of subject matter. And this blog couldn't have been written by R-Lo because R-Lo has never heard of this man.

Let me allow a picture to introduce the subject of today's blog entry:

Yes, we're talking about none other than Leo Anthony Gallagher, known simply as "Gallagher."

Gallagher was a fixture on Showtime throughout the 80's producing yearly specials that put the cable network on the map in the United States.

The trademark shtick of the act was the "Sledge-O-Matic" which I'm sure we all remember fondly. It was reserved for the final act of the show and was used to destroy computer keyboards (who hasn't wanted to take a sledge to one of those?), pound cake (it sure did), toothpaste, chocolate milk and of course, watermelon. In addition to the sledge-o-matic, Gallagher's act involved a lot of prop comedy, which you could argue, paved the way for the success of another comic mentioned in this blog.

But all of this excellence nearly ground to a halt when Leo's little brother Ron toured the country as "Gallagher Too." Originally granted a blessing by big brother Leo to perform using the "Gallagher" moniker, Ron began to blur the line that existed between his act and his brother's, eventually infringing on the empire of comedy his brother worked so hard to build.

Look at the picture of Ron on the right, and then look at the picture of Leo above it. Can you tell the difference?

Eventually Leo sued Ron for trademark infringement and won the lawsuit, but the price Leo paid was extraordinarily high. Leo is allegedly estranged from his family who sided with Ron in the case. Sadly, that is the price of fame.

Leo's legacy hasn't been given its due, as evidenced by this article that appeared in The Oregonian in 2005:

"Among the criticisms were the low quality of stand-up performances by David Letterman, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Tom Hanks and Michael Keaton. Gallagher expressed frustration over Hanks and Keaton’s success, remarking that they were millionaires and someone with his skills and ability was reduced to renting a condo. While criticising Jay Leno and Letterman, he expressed surprise that they never invited him to appear in their shows, citing that Johnny Carson never liked him, but still booked him."

Gallagher was especially angry at VH1, which listed him in their list of "Greatest 100 Stand Up Comedians," but as #100, just below "comic" Janeane Garofalo. Gallagher insulted the list as a whole, stating that when reading it he “was trying to find anyone I ever heard of.” He went on to claim that he had invented the concept of the one-person comedy show on cable television.

And so it is in this space that we salute the comedic genius that is Leo Gallagher. We respect the niche he has carved out in the world of prop and stand-up comedy. We thank him for the laughs he has given us for decades. We admire his gumption to stand up for his art, even though it has cost him his family. Leo, we appreciate you.

And he still tours. Find out where by clicking here.